I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.