ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae