Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.