[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
May have had one breakfast too many
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.