Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m good, thanks.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
…u ok Nintendo?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”