scenes of unspeakable carnage
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet