Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
this FaceApp is creepy af
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Who chose this font
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?