So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Best table by far
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?