I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.