You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
😬
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles