i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
You Might Also Like
I support this random dude and all his protests
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
oh my god
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE