Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?