When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.