Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Put the is in disheveled
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.