To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
This took me a second..
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question