If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
excuse me
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My wedding will be open casket.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
step 6: release the wall snake
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.