[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I think this cat is broken
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.