[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
You Might Also Like
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I have two kinds of followers
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?