PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You Might Also Like
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Yep.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
it must be school picture day
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead