Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator