Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.