My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or