I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The asteroid..
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…