Owl Sanctuary
You Might Also Like
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.