Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?