After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.