“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah