My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
the greatest twitter interaction
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Ah yes. The three genders
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.