– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.