I’ve been drinking.
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it