Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You Might Also Like
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
They grow up so quick
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.