my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk