My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.