*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.