So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Every photo I’m tagged in
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.