How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.