Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!