detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It鈥檚 our anniversary.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Doesn鈥檛 matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there鈥檚 one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
5 ways to appear taller
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I鈥檓 ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If you鈥檇 like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Pro tip:
Don鈥檛 go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I鈥檒l drink to that
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they鈥檙e like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it鈥檚 a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pok茅mon players?
2) do I care?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.