[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
This made me chuckle.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Sign at work today
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Hard not to take this personally
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!