i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
#winning
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.