Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.