Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
You Might Also Like
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
He’s cranky this morning
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk