Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!