Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.