If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.