Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How does one answer this?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm