“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no