When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…