Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.