I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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what?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My safe word is Worcestershire
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick